Old Yeller

Barack Obama will save Old Yeller.

Because he loved that dog so goddamn much.

i can haz?

Barack Obama will make cheeseburgers healthy.

"Go ahead, Big Fella!"

But he'll also make french fries taste like lima beans, just to keep us on our toes.

action figures

Barack Obama will go back in time and get you all those AWESOME 80's ACTION FIGURES that you always wanted.

click the pic for a closer look

"Don't worry, no Gobots!"

If you enjoyed this check out retroist for more of the same.

open with confidence

Barack Obama will make sure you don't get any crap presents this year.

"Tacky candles, polyester ties, those science kits that take hours to assemble but only light up a tiny lightbulb when you're done -- these, my friends, are the gifts of yesteryear. Once I take I office, there will be a diamond ring in every stocking and seven nintendo wiis under every christmas tree."

November's Funniest

With both a record-high and record-low turnout at the polls, you have declared "Whisper" to be the funniest post of November 2008.
________________________________________________

Barack Obama will soothe your heartburn with his ... gentle ... whispers ...

hitler youth

Barack Obama cured this baby's virulent anti-semitism.

never again

Barack Obama will prevent this from happening.

exi

Barack Obama will take the sting out of existing.

barack hard abs

In just minutes a day, Barack Obama will give you the rock hard abs you've always wanted.

"Ooohh Yeeeaahhhh!"

special thanks to Alexander Hope for the tip-off

kittens

Barack Obama will make kittens even cuter.

the kiss

Barack Obama will make half the gay men look like women, so everything seems hunky-dory.

net savvy

Barack Obama will facebook your internet.

"Wow!! It's so much better now!"

special thanks to Alexander Hope for the tip-off

one cup

Barack Obama's cup is always at least half full, even when it's completely empty.

"Watch! I'll drink it again!"

jew wish

Barack Obama will make Santa Claus give presents to Jews.

"Just a few more Hebrew schools to visit and then I'll have the CIA release Mrs. Claus."

muffins

Crunch time at work? Things getting testy around the coffee maker? Don't Worry!
Barack Obama will smooth things over with a batch of freshly baked muffins. __
___

"mmm..."

visionary

Barack Obama toilet-trained this child.

O-balm-a

Rub Barack Obama on your skin, twice daily, and you'll see immediate results.

ballin

Barack Obama will fix your mechanics by demonstrating his silky-smooth jump shot.

barack 3000

Barack Obama is just so fresh and so clean.

Ain't nobody dope as he.

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soundtrack:

coincidence?

Immediately after this photo of Baby Obama was taken, the boy throwing the stick died mysteriously.

the laying on of hands

Barack Obama will cure your venereal disease.

ice ice obama

If there's partisan rancor in the senate, Barack Obama will just ... STOP, collaborate and listen.

"If there's a problem, YO!, I'll solve it."

special thanks to honeyhands for the excellent photojournalism

Monthly Poll

We here at Barack Obama Will Fix Everything have decided to run a monthly poll to determine which posts our readers like best. Check out the November Poll in our sidebar.

If you're not sure which is which by the titles, or if you think you missed one, then look it up in the blog archive which is conveniently also located in the sidebar.

poughkeepsie

Barack Obama is the hottest shit since the Great Poughkeepsie Manure Fire of 1832.

faeries

Every time someone says they don't believe in Barack Obama, a fairy dies.

"Oh my winged brethren, it pains me to see so many of you dying so young."

Special thanks to honeyhands for the lustrous photojournalism

careful

Unless you hold Baby Obama very tightly, he will fly away.

appropriate punishment

Barack Obama will reintroduce the public pillory, but he'll only use it on people who stop right in the middle of the sidewalk and just stand there.

arthritis

Barack Obama won't cure arthritis, he'll improve it! Instead of an agonizing ache, you'll feel a radiant glow of physical pleasure.

pfft...

Barack Obama eats sadness, farts joy.

the tiny kicks

No matter how bad you are at dancing, Barack Obama will look on with a gentle smile and a glimmer of paternal pride in his eyes.

"She is such a decent human being."

roots

Barack Obama will inspire a thousand reggae anthems. And Lo, some'a dem will BE ALRIGHT!

pronunciation

Barack Obama will help you pronounce difficult words.

sommelier

Barack Obama will turn water into wine and bad wine into water.

marxism

Barack Obama is the hopiate of the masses.

splashback

Barack Obama will eliminate splashback.

television

Barack Obama will bring back your favourite sitcom.

"Let there be Balki!"

racism

Barack Obama has already ended racism. If you think you're still experiencing racism, DON'T WORRY -- it's actually humorous, post-Obama, pretend racism. Yay!

fridge

Barack Obama will clean out your fridge. And while he's at it, he'll restock the lower shelf with imported beers and figs and tiny prosciutto sandwiches.

krypton

Barack Obama was born on Krypton.

hobos

Barack Obama won't stop drunken derelicts from talking to you on the subway, but he'll make their breath smell like nutmeg and cinnamon.

nursery rhyme

Barack Obama will put Humpty Dumpty back together again.
Yes, we can.


"Don't worry my fine ovoid friend."

out of your league

If you see a girl on the subway, but she's way out of your league, just say "Barack Obama" and you'll be in her pants lickety-split.

whisper

Barack Obama will soothe your heartburn with his ... gentle ... whispers ...

chuck norris

Chuck Norris endorsed Mike Huckabee.
Barack Obama endorsed himself.

nanobama

Barack Obama will replicate himself a million times until all the matter in the universe shines with obamic radiance.

Seriously. Click the pic, check out the link:


hat tip to boingboing.net

softness

Barack Obama smells like softness.

shave

Barack Obama will give you the closest shave you've ever had.


"Hold Very Still Now."

vampire

Barack Obama is a vampire, but when he bites you he drinks out all the cancer.

bees

BARACK OBAMA will

replenish
the Honey Bee Population!!

If necessary, he will grow the bees on his face. While he ORATES!

airport bar

You might meet BARACK OBAMA in an airport bar and get DRUNK together. If you accidentally let it slip that you've had SEXY DREAMS about HIM, he won't make you feel uncomfortable.